Sunday, June 21, 2009

So, What's the Plan?

The first time I met three-year-old James, he tumbled into the playroom, a ball of energy and a huge smile on his face. Without seeming to look where he was going (even though his eyes and head were facing forward), he hurried toward something enticing and promptly fell flat on his face.

Just as promptly, he bounded up, like a real-boy version of Tigger.

James is a boy who (as you already know) doesn't really look where he's going, whether he's walking ahead of you or running across the yard. He's easily distracted. While holding one toy, he will see another and hurl himself toward it so that he can grab it as fast as he can. He loves to jump on furniture, swing, and slap down hard that piece of multi-colored Play Doh.

It's never a dull moment with James around, which can be frustrating for his parents. And, unless we help him now, he will have a difficult time in pre-K and Kindergarten. He may become labeled as that boy who never follows directions or that kid who causes disruptions. Saddest of all, he will likely have a hard time learning.

One of the best ways to help a child like James think a moment ahead (like where he is walking) or to stay on task, is to make a plan.

"So what's the plan?" is a great question to ask. A plan needs to have steps, three maybe even four, and should be clarified at the beginning of an activity.

For example, today we're going to make pizza. 1. First we roll out the dough. 2. Second, we put the sauce. 3. Third, we put on the cheese. 4. Then we put it in the oven and wait!

If your little one forgets a step or jumps ahead, remind him again of what the steps were. "Hey! You jumped ahead. That's not step 2! What is step 2?"

If he has a hard time waiting, remind him that you're right there with him. It doesn't hurt to empathize, either: "I know, I know! It's so hard to wait, isn't it? So let's wait together."

Making and following a plan can be fun when you do it together. And, it sure makes staying on track a lot easier.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

The Hard Stuff

One of the most common questions I get from parents is how to talk to their children about difficult things. These are things that make mommy and daddy so uneasy that they often want to do it in the therapy setting with the support of a professional like me.

I call it talking about "the hard stuff." This may include parents having to tell their child about mommy and daddy's separation, divorce, or the loss of a loved one.

Although you might find it hard, you don't necessarily need a therapist to help you talk about the hard stuff with your child. With the right tools, it's possible to navigate the waters just fine.

Tools you will need: Some quiet time without distractions, the willingness to be honest with your child, wording that fits the child's age, and a loving and supportive attitude.

I've found that kids have an uncanny ability to know that something is going on before they receive an actual explanation from an adult. They are constantly reading our expressions and picking up on other cues that we don't realize we are putting out to the world.

This means that talking to your child directly about daddy moving out or the reason why grandma stopped visiting may come as a big relief rather than as something frightening or scary.

Using words that are age-appropriate is important too. A four or five year old who may not yet understand the concept of time will not grasp a wordy, abstract explanation of death. He will, instead, understand something more concrete, such as, "She died because her body was broken...And we will miss her so much."

Once the truth is out, you can also begin preparing your child for the next step, whether it's moving to a new house, getting used to seeing a parent only on the weekends, or saying goodbye to someone they loved very, very much.

Friday, June 12, 2009

How to Deal with Aggressiveness In Young Children

A parent came to me this week concerned about her fifteen-month-old child being aggressive in daycare. Anxious and upset, this mom shared that she was worried that her daughter would be expelled.

Biting, kicking, pushing, hitting...These are behaviors that most parents don't want to see their kids engaging in.

It feels even worse when other parents, teachers, or caregivers give you a disapproving look, then tell you about something "bad" that they saw your child do today.

When it comes to aggressive behaviors in young children, here are some important factors to consider:

1. How old is your child? In other words, is your child exhibiting behaviors that are developmentally appropriate for his or her age?

For wobblers, and toddlers up to about age four who are not yet able to express overpowering emotions such as frustration or anger, and who may not yet have full command over how to touch softly versus roughly, behaviors such as hitting and pushing are not only not pathological, they are within the range of what is expected and normal.

2. What triggered your child to hit, push, grab, or bite? It's important to notice this so that you can be on the look out. Next time you observe the trigger, you can intervene to prevent or change unwanted behaviors.

For instance, did your son hit another child who grabbed his toy? Next time you see this about to happen, you can remind them both that they are friends and need to share. If hitting has already happened, tell them that hitting is not okay and point out who had the toy first. You can show them how to be "nice" and touch "soft" or "gentle."

3. What does your child's overall behavior look like? If your child is usually well-behaved, is responsive to you and other adult caregivers, and generally isn't aggressive -- except for this one time -- then he still remains an overall well-behaved child.

4. If your child is in daycare, preschool, or other structured settings during the day, be willing to work with staff to help identify triggers and address problem issues. The more consistently problems are addressed in different environments (home and school versus home only), the greater the likelihood you'll see improvements in your child's behaviors.

5. If hitting, biting, kicking, or pushing continue or worsen so that your child's overall behavior becomes unmanageable, consider seeking the support of a child therapist.