How to Deal with Aggressiveness In Young Children

A parent came to me this week concerned about her fifteen-month-old child being aggressive in daycare. Anxious and upset, this mom shared that she was worried that her daughter would be expelled.

Biting, kicking, pushing, hitting...These are behaviors that most parents don't want to see their kids engaging in.

It feels even worse when other parents, teachers, or caregivers give you a disapproving look, then tell you about something "bad" that they saw your child do today.

When it comes to aggressive behaviors in young children, here are some important factors to consider:

1. How old is your child? In other words, is your child exhibiting behaviors that are developmentally appropriate for his or her age?

For wobblers, and toddlers up to about age four who are not yet able to express overpowering emotions such as frustration or anger, and who may not yet have full command over how to touch softly versus roughly, behaviors such as hitting and pushing are not only not pathological, they are within the range of what is expected and normal.

2. What triggered your child to hit, push, grab, or bite? It's important to notice this so that you can be on the look out. Next time you observe the trigger, you can intervene to prevent or change unwanted behaviors.

For instance, did your son hit another child who grabbed his toy? Next time you see this about to happen, you can remind them both that they are friends and need to share. If hitting has already happened, tell them that hitting is not okay and point out who had the toy first. You can show them how to be "nice" and touch "soft" or "gentle."

3. What does your child's overall behavior look like? If your child is usually well-behaved, is responsive to you and other adult caregivers, and generally isn't aggressive -- except for this one time -- then he still remains an overall well-behaved child.

4. If your child is in daycare, preschool, or other structured settings during the day, be willing to work with staff to help identify triggers and address problem issues. The more consistently problems are addressed in different environments (home and school versus home only), the greater the likelihood you'll see improvements in your child's behaviors.

5. If hitting, biting, kicking, or pushing continue or worsen so that your child's overall behavior becomes unmanageable, consider seeking the support of a child therapist.