In the Know

The other day, I was working with a teenage mom and her 10-month-old baby who was fussy and irritable. The mom tried rocking the baby, soothing her with her voice, patting her gently, and distracting her with a toy. But, baby kept fussing. Mom kept trying. And, tears where starting to roll down both their faces.

The mom's frustration was palpable. She turned to me and said, "I don't know what to do!"

The same day, while I was talking to another mom with three children, she began telling me that sometimes she just doesn't know what to do when her kids get upset and tantrum.

"They don't explain how to do it all in books I've read!" She said.

Later, I thought about these two very different moms, one a first-time parent and the other with three kids' worth of experience. I was struck by how no matter what your level of experience, it is impossible to know exactly what to do every time, especially when your child is irritable, fussy, or throwing a headache-inducing tantrum which seems to have no end in sight.

Here are some thoughts:
1. It's okay to not always know how to make everything better instantly. If you could do this, then you would be Super Parent. And, you would have to run around the world wearing tights and a cape. Do you really want to do that?
2. It's important to stay calm. Even if you are completely frustrated and ready to scream, remember that your child will pick up on your emotional state and this may make him more upset that he already is. Remember that no matter how bad the situation, there will be an end to it. It will not last forever.
3. Offering empathy always helps. Acknowledging the way a child feels helps him or her to feel understood, validated, and calmer.
4. Dare to try different things. Don't always rely on only one thing (such as a time out for older children, or a bottle for infants) to deal with challenging behavior. Be flexible and willing to try a range of ways to soothe your child.

And again, remember that as a parent it's okay and quite normal to not always be in the know.

A Willingness to Nurture

"For as much as government can do and must do, it is ultimately the faith and determination of the American people upon which this nation relies. It is the kindness to take in a stranger when the levees break..but also a parent's willingness to nurture a child, that finally decides our fate." --44th President Barack Obama, January 20, 2009

What an amazing and exciting week this was!

I hope that many parents, grandparents, teachers, and others who care for our youngest children were able to witness the inauguration and the ushering in of an era of hope and change.

When I attended the Zero to Three conference here in Los Angeles in December, there was a lot of conjecture about President-Elect Obama's true commitment to young children and families. And, there was a lot of discussion about our feelings of hope that his administration could help to increase awareness and resources spent on this critical period of a child's life.

After all, the first three years are when the bulk of brain development happens; it is the time when children make the fastest and most dramatic gains.

As I listened to President Obama's speech on Wednesday morning, I of course honed in on the small part of it directed at parents.

Parents, teachers, daycare providers, you are key to implementing the positive changes that we seek as a nation. You are the ones who instill in our littlest ones the belief that they are loved and valued. That they can become an Ironman, Superman, or the President of the United States.

This is a task that each one of us can help with, even if we don't have our own kids. As we move through the world, we can be the adults who model good behavior, who do what is right even if it is hard. We can be grownups who are willing to listen to others' opinions and show kindness to people who are different from ourselves.

Let us move forward with hope in our hearts and as our new President puts it, the willingness to nurture our children.