How to Deal with Aggressiveness In Young Children

A parent came to me this week concerned about her fifteen-month-old child being aggressive in daycare. Anxious and upset, this mom shared that she was worried that her daughter would be expelled.

Biting, kicking, pushing, hitting...These are behaviors that most parents don't want to see their kids engaging in.

It feels even worse when other parents, teachers, or caregivers give you a disapproving look, then tell you about something "bad" that they saw your child do today.

When it comes to aggressive behaviors in young children, here are some important factors to consider:

1. How old is your child? In other words, is your child exhibiting behaviors that are developmentally appropriate for his or her age?

For wobblers, and toddlers up to about age four who are not yet able to express overpowering emotions such as frustration or anger, and who may not yet have full command over how to touch softly versus roughly, behaviors such as hitting and pushing are not only not pathological, they are within the range of what is expected and normal.

2. What triggered your child to hit, push, grab, or bite? It's important to notice this so that you can be on the look out. Next time you observe the trigger, you can intervene to prevent or change unwanted behaviors.

For instance, did your son hit another child who grabbed his toy? Next time you see this about to happen, you can remind them both that they are friends and need to share. If hitting has already happened, tell them that hitting is not okay and point out who had the toy first. You can show them how to be "nice" and touch "soft" or "gentle."

3. What does your child's overall behavior look like? If your child is usually well-behaved, is responsive to you and other adult caregivers, and generally isn't aggressive -- except for this one time -- then he still remains an overall well-behaved child.

4. If your child is in daycare, preschool, or other structured settings during the day, be willing to work with staff to help identify triggers and address problem issues. The more consistently problems are addressed in different environments (home and school versus home only), the greater the likelihood you'll see improvements in your child's behaviors.

5. If hitting, biting, kicking, or pushing continue or worsen so that your child's overall behavior becomes unmanageable, consider seeking the support of a child therapist.

Change We Can Believe In

When it comes to aggressiveness or other behavioral problems, I want to remind you that sometimes change takes time.

Four-year-old Alex was brought into our clinic by his young parents, who were at their wits' end. Alex had just started pre-school after spending most of his years thus far at home with his grandma and mom.

Recently, Alex had begun kicking, scratching, and pinching other children, including his older brother, in a very aggressive way. The parents had been spoken to by the teacher and informed that Alex might have to leave the preschool if his behaviors didn't improve.

Alex was very angry and letting everyone know. He didn't like being sent to school one bit.

In working with Alex and his parents over a period of nearly a year, there were times when mom and dad came in believing that nothing in their son's behaviors and their relationships with him had changed at all. They also would dip into believing that his behaviors would never get better.

"So he got in a fight with his brother this week?" I asked one day after several months of seeing Alex.

"Yes," Mom replied.

"And he pinched one girl this week?" I asked to confirm.

"Yes, I don't know what to do...he's not getting better!" Mom said, becoming tearful.

"Well, let's think about this," I offered. "Remember when you first came in here. How often was he fighting with his brother?"

"Every day...and lots of times every day."

"So this week he started a fight with him one time?"

"Yes."

"And how many times did he used to hit or pinch the other kids in class?"

"Almost every day?" Her expression told me she knew now where I was going with this.

I then emphasized that Alex was actually doing a lot better than before, and that although it seemed, at times, like he wasn't making any progress at all, it was important to look back at the whole picture and remember where he was starting from. I also stressed that although we all want instant improvement and success, sometimes change just takes time.

This is especially true when it comes to behaviors in young children which are tied to very strong emotions and issues such as separation, loss, moving, or starting at a new school.

After the conversation with this particular mom, in which I also reinforced that she and her husband were obviously working hard and doing something right since their son was improving, a look of relief came over her face.

Improvements that take time...now that's change we can believe in.