Change We Can Believe In

When it comes to aggressiveness or other behavioral problems, I want to remind you that sometimes change takes time.

Four-year-old Alex was brought into our clinic by his young parents, who were at their wits' end. Alex had just started pre-school after spending most of his years thus far at home with his grandma and mom.

Recently, Alex had begun kicking, scratching, and pinching other children, including his older brother, in a very aggressive way. The parents had been spoken to by the teacher and informed that Alex might have to leave the preschool if his behaviors didn't improve.

Alex was very angry and letting everyone know. He didn't like being sent to school one bit.

In working with Alex and his parents over a period of nearly a year, there were times when mom and dad came in believing that nothing in their son's behaviors and their relationships with him had changed at all. They also would dip into believing that his behaviors would never get better.

"So he got in a fight with his brother this week?" I asked one day after several months of seeing Alex.

"Yes," Mom replied.

"And he pinched one girl this week?" I asked to confirm.

"Yes, I don't know what to do...he's not getting better!" Mom said, becoming tearful.

"Well, let's think about this," I offered. "Remember when you first came in here. How often was he fighting with his brother?"

"Every day...and lots of times every day."

"So this week he started a fight with him one time?"

"Yes."

"And how many times did he used to hit or pinch the other kids in class?"

"Almost every day?" Her expression told me she knew now where I was going with this.

I then emphasized that Alex was actually doing a lot better than before, and that although it seemed, at times, like he wasn't making any progress at all, it was important to look back at the whole picture and remember where he was starting from. I also stressed that although we all want instant improvement and success, sometimes change just takes time.

This is especially true when it comes to behaviors in young children which are tied to very strong emotions and issues such as separation, loss, moving, or starting at a new school.

After the conversation with this particular mom, in which I also reinforced that she and her husband were obviously working hard and doing something right since their son was improving, a look of relief came over her face.

Improvements that take time...now that's change we can believe in.