Take Time In

I'll just come out and say it: I don't believe in time outs.

Yet, when I ask parents how they manage their child's behavior, the number one response is, "I give him time outs."

They commonly go on to explain scenarios such as "He was crying and wouldn't listen, so I put him in his room and told him to stay there."

I ask, "Did it work?"

They answer, "No, not really."

Time outs can work for some parents when used judiciously and when the reasons for the time outs are explained and tied to the behaviors. They tend to be less effective when used with younger children, however.

Let's take Steven for example. He is three years old and constantly moving, including jumping out of the car once he's unbuckled from the car seat, jumping off the arms of the sofa, and so forth. It's hard for him to pay attention to his dad (his primary caregiver) or any adult for that matter. It takes a tremendous amount of repetition, including "I need you to walk, use your walking feet!...Walking feet, Steven! Walking feet!" to get him to respond.

One day, a few weeks ago, Steven did not want to leave our therapy play room after his session ended. He began crying and did not respond to soothing as we left the room. In the hallway, he planted himself on the floor and began tantrumming. He was inconsolable.

Some parents might have given him a time out at such a moment. His dad and I did not.

Instead, we took the time to take him into the education center, a room where we keep books, computers, and an art table, and sat together with him on the bean bag chairs.

"I know, I know you don't want to leave," we each told him. As we acknowledged his feelings and let him know we were fully there with him, he began to calm down. Steven stopped crying and asked to pick a book. Then, he asked for the small picture book to be read to him. So, we did just that.

After the book was read, Steven was calm and we were able to let him know that it was time to go home. He got up from the beanbag with dad and hand-in-hand, they began walking.

Bottom line: Try using a "Time In" instead of a "Time Out."

Take time to acknowledge your child's upset feelings and reflect this back to show that you are there with him, you feel what he feels. Staying with him until he can calm down shows him that you love all sides of who he is. Ultimately, this will help you to build a more positive relationship with your child. And, that means a child who is more likely to respond to you when you ask him to please behave.