What's Respect Got to Do With It?

[Today's post is a response to comments on my September 3rd post about the "Time In" versus the "Time Out." The comments: When does "Time In" cross over into "giving in" and "spoiling" the child? Will it set a precedent that the child will recognize tantrumming as a way to get what he or she wants?]



Part One:
"Time Outs" should not be used with young children under six. And, a "Time In" should not be viewed as "giving in."

When parents respond to a crying, upset, or tantrumming child by soothing him and helping him to calm down (what I call a "Time In") instead of by punishing him, parents are helping the child to manage his emotional state. This process is called "co-regulation."

Co-regulation is a key skill that will allow a child to be successful in different settings including, eventually, the classroom. This is certainly not giving in.

Co-regulation can happen in a number of ways, including by reflecting back what the child feels, empathizing with him, simply holding him, or giving him a hug. The result is that the child feels safe, calm, and contained, which makes it easier for him to then respond to mommy or daddy's directions.

All young children need parents to help them return to a calm, regulated state. Children learn to eventually soothe themselves and manage anger, frustration, and disappointment on their own. But even the most exceptional children can't do this until they get older. And even then, it can sometimes be difficult.

Part Two:
Many of you are familiar with TV shows such as "Nanny 911" and "SuperNanny." I myself watch them on occasion as they do offer insight into the types of struggles that many parents face in raising their children.

The single reason why parents seek out the Nannys' help is simple: their children aren't behaving. Not only are these children not responding to their parents appropriately; they are running the show. These parents are worn down and feeling helpless and desperate.

While "behavioral interventionists" like "SuperNanny," Jo Frost, utilize time outs (or "Naughty Step," as she calls it) and teach parents how to implement them, they actually do something that is even more crucial. In nearly every episode of "SuperNanny" I've watched, Jo points out to the parents that at the heart of things, their children don't respect them and that is why they are acting out.

Jo makes a good point. We have to gain our children's respect in order for them to respond to us and behave as we'd like. And, this needs to happen from day one.

So how do you do this?

Show your child that you love and honor all aspects of who he is, including the little guy who feels that the world is ending because you have to step away to prepare dinner. Don't just praise the part of him that listens to you when he is supposed to listen. Showing him that you can tolerate all parts of him: the good, the silly, and even the "bad," creates a sense of security that fosters love, respect, and the powerful feeling that "mommy and daddy love me -- no matter what."

So what's respect (and co-regulation) got to do with "Time Ins" and "Time Outs?"

Everything.

Hey, keep those comments and questions coming!